


I couldn't get the boy to kill me, but i wore his jacket for the longest time.

by kotekru



Series: A man takes his sadness down to the river [2]
Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Agoraphobia, Angst with a Happy Ending, Depression, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Mental Health Issues, Panic Attacks, Temporary Character Death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-12
Updated: 2020-04-12
Packaged: 2021-03-02 01:27:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,410
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23616754
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kotekru/pseuds/kotekru
Summary: Let’s face it Jim Kirk has lived through some of the worst things possible, but he’s still standing, stronger than before. This is a story about how he lost everything, and the long and hard work it took to get it all back.
Relationships: James T. Kirk & Leonard "Bones" McCoy, James T. Kirk & Spock
Series: A man takes his sadness down to the river [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1699948
Comments: 2
Kudos: 22





	I couldn't get the boy to kill me, but i wore his jacket for the longest time.

**Author's Note:**

> Welcome to the second instalment of this story. This one is based on the events of Into Darkness.  
> I might fuck around and write one more part lol.  
> Title is from Richard Siken - Little beast  
> Series title from Richard Siken - Boot theory  
> (If you couldn't tell I'm a slut for Siken, not sorry.)  
> Hope you enjoy! Take care!  
> For more detailed content warnings see end notes.

Things were going well, they were patrolling the edge of the alpha quadrant, one milk-run after the other. Checking in with stations and colonies, transporting this ambassador and that crate of medical supplies. It was easy, it was boring, it was life aboard the Enterprise.

Over time social relationships started establishing themselves, he became good friends with Uhura over their shared love of annoying Spock, and the insane habits of this or that species. He spent so much time in medical with Bones that he might as well have worn scrubs all day, Christine was slowly warming up to his presence too, or at least he got fewer and fewer eyerolls when he showed up. Scotty was Scotty, mildly insane and insanely fun, they made a habit out of stealing Chekov’s whiskey, the poor bastard had no idea who kept stealing his stash. He took up fencing with Sulu and listened with interest when the man would go on for hours about some new plant he managed to splice together.

And then there was Spock. The first few weeks were awkward. Jim knew that he wanted to befriend him, but he had no idea how to go about it. He craved the relationship that he got glimpses of in elder Spock’s mind, and he desperately wanted to avoid any chance of ruining it or missing out.

In the end he started with the lame “Do you want to do paperwork together sometime?”

After that it was easy. They bonded over their love of chess, discussed old earth literature,and anything else from linguistics to warp engineering. Also, who knew that Vulcans appreciated Shakespeare?

Their weekly work appointments became almost daily chess matches in the span of a month. By the time they were in space for half a year they not only played chess almost every day, they also sparred several times a week, did their reports together and shared most of their meals in the mess.

The only time that Spock wasn’t with Jim was the time he spent with Uhura. Jim loved seeing them together, the secret glances, the whispered conversations in this or that corner of the ship. Sometimes he felt like he was intruding when he would join them for meals, but he reasoned that if they wanted to be alone, they would just take their meal in either of their quarters.

He was happy for them, but watching them together he started to long for something similar, he wanted someone to share his life with, to share adventures and passions and mundane things with. As time went by it was harder to look at them be happy, he wanted what they had. Then, of course, he would beat himself up about resenting them for something like that. He decided it was best to keep these feelings locked away, and tried to get some distance. He stopped joining them for meals and decreased the time he spent with Spock. He reasoned he was doing them a favor.

Everything was going well, the missions were easy but satisfying, crew morale was up, workplace accidents were at an all-time low, Jim was proud of his crew.

Then they were sent to Nibiru. Standard planetary survey, that’s what they said. Of course, it would turn out to be a mess. As he is running away from the locals trying to remain disguised, he wonders what he was thinking when he signed up for Starfleet. Then the chase is over, and they are back on the ship, Scotty is not happy, but nothing is new there. Jim swears the man would individually hunt down crewmembers who scratched the floor if he could, so a little saltwater is nothing.

They are back on the bridge and of course, things are going to shit. When he hears that Spock is stuck in the volcano waiting for the cold fusion device to take out the volcano and with it him, he hates the Prime directive with a burning passion. He already drafted a revision, he just never had the time to write a real proposal, but after this Starfleet will have their ass handed to them.

“If Spock were here and I were there, what would he do?” he asks.

“He would let you die.” comes Bones’ gruff answer.

For some reason though Jim knows that Spock wouldn’t leave him. They’ve come a long way, they are friends even. He wouldn’t let him die, he hopes. But it doesn’t matter, he has already made the decision before he even asked.

Then Spock is there, “You violated the Prime Directive.” and Jim is so happy that he doesn’t even care that it probably cost him his career.

++++

Pike is angry, Jim has never seen him angry, and especially never at him. He also can’t believe that Spock went behind his back, does he not know Jim at all? He is hurt, he expected more from the Vulcan. At least a passing, “By the way, I submitted a report, don’t be surprised if you are fired within the month.” Would have been nice. Facing down Pike completely unprepared is daunting.

Then Spock says “I am expressing multiple attitudes simultaneously, sir. To which are you referring?” and he almost loses it. He knew that Spock was a snarky bastard but he never expected him to backtalk a superior. That takes balls. Jim is so proud.

Although he does remember Spock telling him over a cup of tea how he rejected entry into the Vulcan Science Academy, he imagines it went somehow similar to this. He can barely suppress a smile at that.

“And what's worse is you're using blind luck to justify your playing God.” Pike says finally, and it hits him hard. Was he really that arrogant? His track record speaks for itself, his command is the most successful in the fleet, and he thought that was his doing, but maybe he really is just lucky. It’s a hard thought to accept.

He is demoted, Spock is transferred, and Jim resents the admiralty. They have no idea what it’s like to actually be out there, they have no idea sitting in their shiny offices in their comfy chairs. He hates it.

Then he is in an elevator with Spock and the whole thing feels like a setup to a joke, and Spock keeps calling him captain and that hurts like a punch to the gut.

“Do you understand why I went back for you?” he gathers up the nerve to ask, but they are interrupted.

When they are alone again, he tries, “The truth is, I'm going to miss you.” For a second it looks like Spock is going to answer, but then his face shuts down and he hides behind his Vulcan mask. It hurts.

The briefing is strange, Jim’s skin is crawling with unease, and he realizes too late that they all walked into a trap willingly, then its chaos for a while, he loses sight of Spock and Pike in the process.

When it’s over Jim drops to his knees next to Spock and he can’t believe it. Pike is dead. He looks at Spock, he expects him to tell him that he is wrong, he wants Spock to tell him that it’s okay, but the look in Spock’s eyes is pure devastation and he can’t stand to see it.

He desperately looks for a pulse instead, he can’t be dead, he can’t be. But there is no heartbeat and suddenly the world is dark, and he can’t hold himself together anymore. Pike is dead. For a moment he lets grief overwhelm him, he can feel his heartbreaking, the tears roll down his face, his hands cramp around Pike’s uniform.

When he can’t take it anymore, he takes a shaky breath and stands grasping onto Spock’s shoulder. At this moment he doesn’t care that it's inappropriate, that Spock wouldn’t want to be touched, he just needs the reminder that his world didn’t end. He leaves his hand there for as long as he dares.

++++

They are on a mission of vengeance, Scotty quit, Spock is against him, Bones is grumpy as usual, and Jim can’t deal with Pike’s death, he doesn’t have the time. Then Klingons are dead all around him, and he owes his life to a mass-murdering fugitive.

Markus’ betrayal comes completely out of left field, then they are being chased across the universe. They drop out of warp near earth and he is flying through the space between ships with a killer as his sidekick and thinks about how Starfleet could have been corrupted so deeply that their ideals of peaceful exploration could be distorted into a machine of war by someone insane like Markus.

For the longest time, he can’t get Carol’s scream out of his mind, and as they are beamed back aboard the Enterprise, he has never been so thankful for Spock.

Jim doesn’t think twice about going to engineering, he doesn’t question knocking out Scott and he heads into the warp core without a second thought. It’s a struggle but he fixes the damned thing, crawls back to the door and he waits for death.

He doesn’t expect Spock, but he is happy to see him, if he has to die at least Spock can help him through it. It’s nice, until Spock confesses that he cannot stop from feeling, and Jim knows that this will break the man, he tries to soften the blow with “I want you to know why I couldn't let you die. Why I went back for you.” And he desperately hopes that Spock understands that he is everything to him in that moment, and outside of it too.

“Because you are my friend.” And Jim wants to laugh, to cry, to shout at Spock for being dense, instead, he just smiles softly. The last thing he sees before everything goes dark is their hands pressed against each other, with the glass separating them.

For a long time, everything is quiet, his blood stops boiling, his body stops aching, his mind slows, and it’s a sweet relief.

Jim always thought death would be easy. Not just the act of dying itself, but the decision, the process, the thoughts. In the end it was the hardest thing he ever did, he never expected that when the time came, he would want to live, to fight another day.

Then the damnedest thing happens, Jim hears voices, he thinks maybe this is the afterlife, he can't make out the words, but the voices are familiar and close, and he is glad to hear them. He swims in the darkness, the voices come and go, ebb and flow, and it's beautiful.

After a while he starts to understand the words, sometimes he hears Bones mutter under his breath about Jim being an idiot and it feels like a memory, hazy and soft. Sometimes Spock is there, he doesn’t talk much, mostly just tells him about New Vulcan, about Ambassador Spock, he mentions wishing to play chess again and Jim’s heart constricts, because Spock has never said any of this before.

Slowly Jim starts to feel things as if he had a body, he feels blood rushing and hears it too, then he feels his stomach, it’s empty and painful, slowly he starts to feel limbs, he can’t move them but they are a comforting thought. Maybe the afterlife is just learning how to inhabit a body, maybe he’ll get to learn how to walk too, maybe he’ll get to talk and see, he is interested to find out what it is all like, if it is at all like what reality was like before he died.

Then one day he opens his eyes, first, it’s all so bright, he can make out some shapes, and the picture clears slowly. Bones is there, and Spock.

“Oh, don't be so melodramatic. You were barely dead. It was the transfusion that really took its toll. You were out cold for two weeks.” And suddenly Jim is not dead, and that’s scary, it was easy to be dead, it was comforting to be in that warm dark nothing. Jim is happy though, because Bones is there, and he looks relieved. And Spock, Jim is so glad to see him, that he gets to be alive and be with his friends, that he gets to keep going.

When Spock and Bones leave him, he cries, its from relief and gratitude and all those emotions that he forgot to have while he died. And he grieves, for himself, it seems nonsensical now that he is not dead after all, but he has in fact died, the last time he closed his eyes was with the conviction that he would not get to live and he has accepted that fact in those last seconds. So, to be alive after having accepted death it feels unsettling, it feels like a bit of a slap to the face if he is being honest.

Later when he wakes up from a dream that felt the same as the coma, he is so disoriented that he tries to escape medical. In the dream, he was lost in the dark instead of swimming through it and he woke in a cold sweat, filled with panic. Bones found him laying on the ground next to the bed, he never got farther because apparently his body was barely functional.

He should have expected that, he should have known, it makes so much sense. He already resents the fact that he will have to go to therapy again, and he will have to do physical therapy too and possibly learn how to button things all over again, he hates it all already.

Recovery is not as he expects, it’s faster and easier and somehow that feels wrong, but he is grateful. The beginning was awful, he only got to eat bland smoothies that made him feel sick, it reminded him of being in the hospital after Tarsus. He was also weak, he could barely lift his head, or hands, he couldn’t even turn over in bed, it was a big blow to his ego, to be so helpless. He couldn’t stay awake for long, and he could barely concentrate, he could only focus for a couple minutes at a time and that was the worst part because it reminded him of depression, of that haze that settled over every aspect of life. The only reason he didn’t freak out about it was that his emotions were intact, the fog didn’t reach them and that gave him a peace of mind.

He is relieved to find out that it takes only two weeks to become almost completely functional. He gets to eat solid foods again, he can sit up in bed and play chess when Spock comes, he can pay attention. His mind feels clear, his emotions settled down since waking up, sleep comes easily, and he can focus. He almost feels like himself again. It takes another few days before he is allowed to leave the bed, the first time he gets to take a piss alone he almost falls over from how amazing it is to be able to do that.

Through all of it, Bones is there, he is like a mother hen, it’s endearing, and Jim appreciates him. Spock comes to visit him at least once a day. When he was first told that while he was in a coma Spock wouldn’t leave for more than a half hour at a time, he was shocked and grateful, but mostly just worried. He chastises Spock for that but smiles when the Vulcan ducks his head without a word.

When he is released, he is afraid to be alone, he expects his mind to turn on him, and with him being still a little weak he can’t really go gallivanting around. So, when Spock asks to look after him, he accepts immediately. They stay at Jim’s place, Spock sleeps in the spare bedroom, but Jim finds him awake any time he has a nightmare or wakes up for water. When he asks about it, Spock tells him that Vulcans require less sleep, which is his way of saying he doesn’t want to talk about it.

Time moves slowly, but Jim enjoys it. They play chess and read books a lot, they talk about the refit of the Enterprise and about the efforts to rebuild the academy. Jim goes to therapy, and every time he gets home afterwards, he sits with Spock in silence. He is a little sad that he doesn’t get the comfort of a hug from his friend, but he understands it. At least Spock is there. Bones comes around almost every day too, he monitors Jim’s health and they talk for a while each time.

It goes on like that for a while, until Jim notices that Spock never leaves the house, aside for briefings. He wonders where Uhura is and Jim convinces himself that he is coming between them, that Spock is there out of obligation. He asks, “How is Uhura?” while they are packing away the chess set one night.

He doesn’t expect the shocked silence that follows. Obviously, Spock is hiding something, maybe Jim really is coming between the two and Spock is just too proud to admit that being with Jim all this time is ruining his relationship. “You know I won’t die if you leave me alone for a couple hours to go see her, right?” Jim says.

Spock stiffens up and his face goes pale, only then does Jim realize what he just said. A clipped “That won’t be necessary.” Is all he gets in answer. But now Jim is curious, so he pushes, “What do you mean?”

“Nyota has ended our romantic partnership approximately 2.3 weeks ago.” Spock won’t meet his eyes; Jim puts a hand on his shoulder to comfort him.

“Do you wanna talk about it?” he sounds distinctly like his therapist but it’s okay, he really is curious and Jim hopes that Spock will trust him with this.

“Not at this time.” Spock shrugs off his hand and goes to the kitchen.

He doesn’t mention Uhura again. Neither does Jim.

++++

Three weeks after being released from the hospital Jim is starting to go stir crazy, so when Bones mentions that he should go for walks he is more than happy to. Spock goes with him of course, they walk side by side for no more than 10 minutes before Jim tires. On the way back he stumbles a bit, Spock notices and puts an arm around his waist.

It goes like that for a while, Jim stumbles and Spock steadies him. But then Jim stops tiring after a few minutes and he stops stumbling, but Spock still has a hand on his arm or his back or his waist and it’s good.

Bones comes by less and when he comes it’s more a social visit than anything else. It gives Jim hope.

Jim goes to therapy every other week. When he started going he wasn’t sure why, he felt fine, the whole ordeal seemed so distant and emotionally far that he thought he was fine. He went more because he thought he should, that he should need help with this. In the end, it’s a good thing, because when he is reinstated officially as captain and gets the memo that the Enterprise will sail out again with him as captain he crumbles.

All the fear, the uncertainty, every feeling he dismissed about his death, (technically near death), comes crushing in. He opens the message at 9:03 in the morning in the middle of his living room while Spock is preparing their tea for a chess match. He remembers every minuscule detail of the moment like it is etched in his memory. Then he drops the pad from his hands, and he can’t breathe.

Spock calls McCoy because he doesn’t understand the difference between respiratory failure and Jim’s soul falling to pieces.

Fortunately, Bones has been expecting this, and walks them through it over comms. In the end, Jim is on the floor held tight in Spock’s arms and they are breathing together. Slowly he starts to feel again, the way one of Spock’s hands smooths circles into his back, how other man’s soft sweater smells, how the air he breathes out jostles the hairs on Jim’s head. It takes a while for his heart to calm and for feeling to come back to his extremities, to stop seeing spots and finally be able to look up at Spock.

When they talk about it later Spock confesses how helpless he felt. Again. This more than the panic attack takes its toll on Jim.

After that, it’s hard for a while. Jim keeps having panic attacks, they get so bad that he stops going outside. The only time he is able to force himself to go out is when he needs to see his therapist, and even then, Spock needs to go with him, and each time it’s a struggle.

It takes long to get over this one. It’s something Jim never had to deal with. Depression, mania, disordered eating he had under control, he knew what to do, how to fix himself when things started slipping. This he had no experience with.

It felt soul-crushing, not only did he almost die, his childhood was a case study, after Tarsus and years of mental illness, he really thought he maybe caught a break, that that part of his life was finally over and he could just live. To find himself so low again, a new pit after all the ones he’s managed to struggle his way out of… It felt hopeless. Is this really what his life would be like? Just one tragedy, one trauma after the other?

This was probably the hardest he’s had to work to get better. There was no pill to take, no compensatory action, no distraction. It was small steps, minuscule steps. And it was exhausting, forcing himself to be brave, to be strong after such a long time of toughing it out.

Sometimes it felt like he just didn’t have it in him to go on, that any moment he could run out of the last of his will power keeping him going, any second the fight could be over and he would drop to the ground like a puppet without strings. Like his body would just crumble and he would never be able to get up again. But the moment never came.

At least Spock was there. He tried to teach him how to meditate. It didn’t work, Jim’s head was a mess, but he sat there every other day watching Spock, listening to his quiet voice, his slow breathing. At least when he watched Spock like this, he was calm, he didn’t resent the whole world, he didn’t hate himself for being weak.

It took ages for him to leave his flat again. It took a series of ridiculously small baby steps, and Jim would laugh if he didn’t go through it himself.

First, he got dressed and sat by the door for an hour out of his mind with panic until he gave up and went back to his misery. Next he got dressed and opened the door, he couldn’t go outside, just stood there for a while. It took weeks and every time going just one step further than the day before for him to be able to walk out the main door of the building.

When he did that he cried from relief. Spock didn’t understand, but he was there, and he squeezed his arm a little when his sobs turned to laughing.

That day was like a dam breaking, that first step he took outside gave him the conviction that he could do it, he wasn’t going to drop dead, his legs wouldn’t give out. Panic attacks may still happen, but the thought that Spock was there gave him peace of mind that even then things would be okay.

And they were. His panic attacks subsided, his anxiety decreased, when he thought about going back to space, to the Enterprise, instead of the panic and fear that was gripping him for months he just felt excited.

The day the refits were completed Spock, Bones, and Jim took a shuttle and went to see her.

They walked the halls, toured the bridge, checked out the upgraded sickbay. Their last stop was engineering. Jim didn’t go in, he couldn’t go in. It would take some time until he can do that, until he can see the radiation chamber without dying all over again, until he could see Scotty without his heart beating out of his chest, but he will get there.

When they ask him to speak at the rechristening ceremony, he has no idea what to say. Star fleet, the federation, and their ideals have been twisted into a machinery of war, the public has lost some of the trust they had in them, and Jim understood. His beliefs have been shaken by the whole ordeal, the betrayal still stung and if he was honest, he was afraid that it would happen again. But he had to trust, just as after Tarsus new policies were made to prevent it from happening again, this time, too there were internal investigations and the rules changed.

In the end he spoke from the heart.

“When Christopher Pike first gave me his ship, he had me recite the Captain's Oath, words I didn't appreciate at the time. Now I see them as a call for us to remember who we once were, and who we must be again.”

The most important part of his address was the hope he tried to convey. Hope he fought to regain, it was still not all there, he was still struggling with anxiety, but he would get there and the rest of his crew and the federation would get there too.

By the time Jim sits in the captain’s chair again, he is full of excitement for the future. The smile he gives Scotty is finally genuine. Bones’ grouching feels like home. And when he asks Spock where they should go the look they share fills his heart with an emotion he can’t put a name to but can't wait to explore.

**Author's Note:**

> I’m trying to portray mental illness realistically, and I'm mostly going on my own experiences. Mental illness is often a long process, it changes and evolves and goes through phases, this is what happens here, so expect ups and downs.  
> Warnings: minor depression, panic attacks, mentions of past manic and depressive episodes (bipolar), fatalistic thinking, mention of past disordered eating, agoraphobia (due to PTSD), mentions of past trauma and Tarsus, temporary character death.  
> If it sounds like any of this might be a problem please don't read, stay safe!  
> If you are struggling with mental illness I wish you strength! Take care!  
> You can find me on tumblr @ kotekru


End file.
